Wine Retail 101: Butter, Blue Bottles and Boobs: Helping America’s Favorite Essential Employees During the Plague
Dear shoppers,
We aren't your first responders, your doctors, nurses, grocery store workers, or any of the invaluable Essential Workers who are saving lives during this pandemic. There are likely even some ethical issues surrounding remaining open and funneling copious amounts of White Zinfandel down the throats of fearful Americans like diabetics with a death wish. And yet, here we are, Essential-as-Hell, getting to know our regulars even better, along with all the rest of you who normally aren’t shopping for White Claw or gimmicky-as-hell bottles of FitVine at 9:30 in the morning. Great to see you either way, and happy to help.
In times of great discomfort, our industry stands alone as recession-proof. We keep the whole world wet. We make those dreaded family functions tolerable. We suppress those awful first-date jitters, and leave you just buzzed enough to write about the awfulness on Reddit. We make staying home for hours on end a touch more tolerable. We moonlight as therapists. We become your family. We quell your fears. You need us, or at the very least, have become reliant upon us for conversations and recommendations.
Just the mere suggestion of life without a mass-produced handle of Tito's Vodka is enough make a middle aged housewife clutch her Xanax prescription in mortal fear.
Just remember: retail workers are suffering right now. Most people in this industry go to work each and every day, for critically low wages, in an industry largely non-unionized, while fearful for our safety - and for the lives of those closest to us. At the height of COVID-19 in March, wine sales have skyrocketed 106%
While profits are at an all time high for this period in time, stores are struggling to implement new safety standards while adapting to a growing demand. Many liquor stores have not provided hazard pay to hourly or salaried staffers, or any incentives to their employees - instead understanding, that most people within this industry are living paycheck to paycheck. They need their paychecks, and are willing to assume the risk of working during a pandemic.
Many of my peers are struggling; and if you intend to make their lives harder, please, please give us some gems. We can use some lightheartedness right now.
Below are a few tips and recommendations to make maximize your wine shopping experience, during COVID and for years to come.:
The Everclear and overproof spirits are by the entrance.
We even have cases stacked. Trust me, we know you’ll likely walk by it, but we’re trying to make this as easy as possible for everyone. Watching two elderly women fight over toilet paper is terrible enough, but please know that none of you want to be at the mercy of two mammoths of men fighting over the last half-gallon of Everclear
It should go without saying that at the height of COVID and with a lack of cleaning supplies on the shelf of most wholesale establishments - overproof alcohol sales SKYROCKETED. Cases upon cases of $20 Everclear, Spirytus, Wray & Nephew—all the liquor designed to burn holes in your esophagus, can be used as DIY hand-sanatizer.
If it’s called Barefoot, you shouldn’t be drinking it.
Yes, that is snobbish - and yes, there is a HUGE place in this world for 1.5 liters of wine—especially in the era of COVID. But, if you went to a restaurant, would you order a $12 steak called shit au poivre?
And one firm or saggy rule to remember: if you have to sift photos - women and men alike - PLEASE delete your nude pics if you're going to sift your phone to find the bottle of wine you drank when you took those photos--it was probably Sutter Home, though.. This will help you far more than it helps us.
CUSTOMER:
"Where do you have this bottle?"
[Pulls up wrong photo]
ME:
"How long have you been married?"
CUSTOMER:
"Huh?"
ME:
That's a photo of your wife, sir."
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"You moved the Cabernet aisle!"
"Sir, I can assure you we did not mov--"
"Yes, you did! I was here a month ago. The Cabs were in aisle 4 on July 31st 1972!!?!"
"I---(sensing they need this moral or mental victory) yes."
"You guys are trying to trick us!"
"It's the only way we get through the day, sir."
This happens almost weekly--especially during the holidays. If you think that ANY of us are productive enough to move ENTIRE AISLES - you're in the wrong store, sir. I did not place those orders.
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INT - WORK - DAY
CUSTOMER:
"I want a case of moscato!" "
ME:
Which one?
CUSTOMER:
What do you mean which one? I want moscato!
ME:
We have like 5-million Moscato wines, sir. Do you want Bartenura - the most popular one - blue bottle, map of Italy on the label?"
CUSTOMER:
What? No. Wait--oh
(walks over to shelf and picks up Bartenura Moscato, irritated)
This one!
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"Can you recommend a buttery cabernet?"
"Do you mean chardonnay? Cabernets aren't butter--"
"No, red! A buttery cabernet."
Can you recommend a time machine that will allow me to erase this conversation from existence?
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"I want a sweet rose!"
"Okay, but the ones you're looking at are all very dry!
"This one is sweet...It's a White Zinfandel"
"But I don't want a white zinfandel! What about this one? [pointing at bottles we've already discussed]"
"Okay, but everything here is dry. These are all dry Rose wine."
"Roses are all sweet!"
"No..."
"You don't know anything about wine, do you?!"
